So this is a blog post that I’ve been wanting to write for a while but have just simply been dragging my feet to write. The last three months have been quite a roller coaster of emotions, thoughts, and insights for me. But the one thing that has shone through the brightest has been revelation; the revelation that I am fully known. I am desired. I am completely exposed…and I have been experiencing the most amazing freedom like I never have before!
The longer I’m in “single status” as it were the more I’ve come to realize how much I just want to be known by someone…you know, like a dating relationship kind of someone. I think the most exciting part about meeting someone new is the opportunity to learn about them…but it also feeds this natural desire we have– I have– to share about who I am. And I don’t mean it in a narcissistic way but in the sense that someone else finds me worth knowing, worth pursuing. Having someone who wants to hear about my hopes and dreams and desires; my fears and insecurities; my deepest hurts in life and my greatest joys; someone who finds me exceedingly fascinating; someone who finds me unique.
I know that these desires are not quarantined to only the single person. But I do know that as a single person, that desire can burn deep within in an almost tormenting kind of way sometimes. Wanting someone who wants to get to know you, someone who you can be your most vulnerable with, someone that you can be emotionally bare and naked with (and if I’m honest and frank…physically as well 😉 haha there I said it!), someone who has your trust and loyalty…who knows you fully is very much a desire of my heart. True intimacy. I’ve been ready to want to settle down/get married for a long time now but God’s timing has been, well, not yet.
But while I have been in the waiting and coming off a season FULL of ebbs and flows, I have spent a lot of time soul searching and just listening to what God has to say. What did he have to say to me you might ask?? Ok, maybe you didn’t ask but here it is anyway… I already am utterly, completely, and fully known! God knows every part of who I am. Every idiosyncrasy. Every quirk. Every passion and desire. Every hope and dream. He’s been there through every memorable moment of my life. He has seen me (and still accepted/loved me) at my worst and seen at my best. He has my trust. I can and have been 100% honest and transparent with him! He’s been not only a part of but he’s been the author of my story. He’s seen every life changing experience I’ve had. There have been moments in my life where I have almost felt his arms around me as I cried myself to sleep. He has felt my deepest pains. He has busted a gut at my greatest joys. I’ve heard him tell me he loves me. I’ve felt his proud papa smile on me.
Here’s the thing. We as women, we as people…want to be known. We want people to take an interest in our lives. We want to be interesting, important to someone. Even for those who have a hard time opening up to to people (which is clearly not me!!), I know there is still a longing to have someone know every in and out of who they are. There’s a reason for that. It’s because we were created by God and for God. We were created for a relationship with him. Think about it. In Genesis, before Adam and Eve went and screwed up all of humanity with sin and everything, God WALKED with them in the garden. How much of an intimate or personal relationship do you have to have with the creator of the WORLD that he would go for a walk and talk with you?!?!
We were created for intimate, personal, deep relationship. However, like most things that God created for good– we often get things backwards and we look to other people (or things of this world) first to satisfy our hearts and desires. But if we are not seeking it from God first, we are left feeling empty and lonely at the end of the day. I can say that after spending many a Saturday morning just being in God’s presence and listening to his voice for unscheduled time…God has brought me to a place that I haven’t seen for a very, VERY long time…freedom and contentment. I’m spending time with God and letting HIM tell me who I am; letting HIM show me what I’m meant to do in this life. I’m motivated. I’m…happy. And the crazy thing is that the ONLY thing that has really changed for me (aside from a new roommate who moved in 2 months ago) is the revelation given to me by God that I am fully known by HIM. Well…I’ve also spent more time in prayer and reading my Bible which is mostly how God has given me these revelations.
I’ll even go one step further to share that for the first time in YEARS I’m perfectly content to not be in a relationship. Crazy!! God has SO much I know he wants to accomplish with and through me. There are so many things that I’m passionate about and excited about and I just want time to myself to figure out what’s next and then pursue it! I just feel so full of life just as I am…and that gives me immense joy. To know that when the time does come for me to “meet someone”, that they will only add to how blessed I am by God. My blessings don’t hinge on me being in a relationship or not. Now don’t get me wrong…I will GLADLY accept God’s timing if he says it’s time for me to meet someone/be in a relationship and crosses my path with a match of a man for me. LOL I mean…let’s be honest! BUT…my joy, my happiness, my drive and purpose for life… I’m genuinely okay not being in a relationship right now.
So I guess the main take aways from this post are a few things. First is to just know that if you feel alone or ignored or empty that you are not. Second, you have someone who knows you more fully than any person can or ever will and there is peace in that. Third, unless you find satisfaction first and foremost in that God knows you and wants you to know him, there isn’t a relationship on this earth- romantic or platonic- that will fill that empty space inside you…that empty space that we ALL have. And lastly, that when a dating relationship does come your way…when it is right…it will a personification rather than a substitution of the kind of intimacy you have with the Lord. Which in turn, will make that relationship all the more sweeter!
So I encourage you…wherever you are in life…spend time with Jesus. Let him show you how much he really does know you! How much he cares about you! He may not stop the bad things from happening to you or your loved ones…but he WILL walk with you and support you through it. Ladies…if you don’t see how God is pursuing you then stop looking for a man to pursue you and see how much God wants you…how much he is chasing after you!
“O Lord , you have searched me and known me! You know when I sit down and when I rise up; you discern my thoughts from afar. You search out my path and my lying down and are acquainted with all my ways. Even before a word is on my tongue, behold, O Lord , you know it altogether. You hem me in, behind and before, and lay your hand upon me. Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high; I cannot attain it. Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence? For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!”
Psalms 139:1-7, 13-15, 17