So I felt compelled to share some of the lies vs. truths that God has helped me overcome regarding being a single woman. I know I’m not alone in thinking them so for other single women, non-single women who want/need a refresher on what single women deal with or even men who want to know what goes through our heads…Here’s a look into the top 3 lies I’ve personally dealt with and then the truths that God has helped me understand.
LIE #1: I won’t meet someone until I completely surrender my desires to be married to the Lord.
TRUTH #1: As a single person, I find that one of the staple things I’m told is that I will meet my future husband once I’ve completely surrendered my desire to get married to God. I usually get a story about how they or someone they know gave up looking for someone or they told God that it would just them and Him. Soon after that, they then met the person they’d go on to marry. Understandably, people often don’t know what to say to singles especially those of us who have been single for an extended period of time.
The problem with this logic I feel is it’s basically trying to manipulate God (as if that’s even possible) to getting what I want by letting go of what I want so that eventually I’ll get it. The reality is that yes I need to surrender my desire to be married to God; just like I need to surrender everything else I dream of and desire in this life. We should be in a constant state of surrender in everything in our lives and trust God to fulfill our desires according to his timeline and plan. And because God is a gracious God, sometimes he gives us the desires of our hearts even when we haven’t fully surrendered them to him. It comes down to God’s sovereignty.
LIE #2: If I still desire to get married then I that means I haven’t surrendered it to God.
TRUTH #2: This lie is one that is a follow up to lie #1. I have experienced these thoughts so many times. I go on with this guilt almost that I’m not surrendering my singleness to God if I still have a desire to get married. If I still long to be a wife and daydream of the blessings that marriage brings then I’m not “content in my singleness” and haven’t surrendered it to God. This is also a lie! I think about other dreams I have outside of my relationship status, things that I have fully surrendered to God and have peace about His timeline for. Yet I still get excited about the possibilities and about what God can and will accomplish.
Surrendering your singleness to God does not mean you no longer desire to be married but rather that you are trusting God in his sovereignty and wisdom to say yes or no. It means you have contentment and peace that if the answer is no or wait that you will be okay. It means that you are not making marriage into an idol. It means that you’ve resolved that you don’t need to be married to be complete or have a full life but rather that you are looking to the Lord for fulfillment. You can surrender your singleness to God and still pray to be married, pray for your future husband, or even pray that you can learn what it looks like to be a godly wife even while singe. But you are not hung up on these things and they are not the main focus of your life.
LIE #3: I have to work through all of my “issues” and reach a certain point for God to be ready to bring me my husband.
TRUTH #3: This is one that I’ve also spent a lot of time believing. Now I will say this, I do believe that God keeps us in seasons of singleness sometimes out of his mercy and grace so that we can deal with certain issues. There are times when it’s best for a person to remain single so that they can heal emotionally and spiritually from circumstances. But the lie that I’m speaking to is the one for those who seem to be in a prolonged season of singleness. I have had the amazing opportunity the last several years to do some serious healing and growing from circumstances and people in my past and I am beyond thankful that I was able to do it as a single woman. If I was in a relationship it could have taken me a far longer amount of time to be able to move on.
The truth that I want to point out is this: sometimes it is necessary to be single to figure out your identity in Christ (who you are) or experience healing or be able to see how God wants to use you for his glory. But to think you have to achieve this certain level or get everything together is just absurd. God doesn’t work like that. If scripture has taught us anything is that God uses people who don’t have things figured out, he works and moves often when we don’t feel ready, and he’s not really into the whole having to earn your way kind of thing. Sometimes his purpose for your singleness has more to do with him than you; him revealing himself to you or him showing you what it means to know an intimate love like you’ve never known. But as single women, we shouldn’t put the pressure on ourselves that we have to have things all figured out in order for God to move in the relationship dept. Any married person will tell you that once you get married you realize how much you don’t have it together and how many issues you have that you never thought you had (at least that’s what I’ve been told).
There’s so much more I could go on with and so much more detail. But below is a contrast of many of the different lies that I believed at one time or another or still may battle with and the truths that God continually speaks to me to defeat them!
-God is keeping me single as a punishment.
-I have to spend “X” amount of time serving in the church before God will give me the green light to get married.
-If I’m afraid that I’ll be single/alone forever or longer than I want then that means I probably will so I will overcome that fear.
-No man will ever want me.
-Godly men whom I’m interested in aren’t pursuing me so there must be something wrong with me.
-The older I get and the longer I stay single, the fewer choices I have so I’ll end up settling.
-God doesn’t hear my prayers about not wanting to be single–or he hears by doesn’t care.
-Paul says it’s better to be single than to be married so God’s going to keep me single even though my heart longs for marriage.
-Since I’m single, I have to say “yes” to everything to pick up the slack from all the married couples and/or families with kids who are unable.
-Keeping myself busy with ministry and serving will keep me from feeling lonely.
-Giving into physical attention from other guys will satisfy my longing to be pursued by my future husband.
-As a single woman who’s friends get married and then I never see them anymore, I must be replaceable or disposable.
-Being “content in my singleness” means always being happy and never having seasons of doubts or unrest about my singleness.
-Feeling constant unrest and frustration with the term “content in my singleness” because it is not in the Bible and we should be content in our circumstances/seasons knowing that God is in control.
**And now the truths that God has shown me…
-God’s word says that a single woman’s heart is undivided looking only on what pleases the Lord. It does not say a single woman is to take on more commitment in ministry to compensate for those who can’t.
-There is freedom in a life of singleness to serve the Lord but to also build relationships with others and have adventures of my own.
-God has kept me single for seasons because the work he has for me to do, he needs me single to complete it. (We are more impactful in the lane of ministry he has us in as single people).
-Sometimes God has specific people for me to minister to and connect to and I can do that best single, ultimately bringing God glory.
-Marriage does not “complete you”. I don’t need to be married to have a full life.
-I don’t need to be married to be a “real adult”.
-God is faithful and gives me the desires of my heart when my heart are in line with his.
-God can and will use my time being single for growth and healing.
-I cannot know the intimate love between a husband and wife if I do not know the intimate love of God since marriage is a mirror for Jesus’ relationship with his Church.
-Jesus was single therefore being single is clearly not a punishment.
-As a single woman I do have the freedom to serve in ministry more than others, however I do not need to over commit myself. It’s OK to enjoy life and do things that would be more difficult or expensive if I were married or had a family.
-I am exactly who God intended me to be and there IS a man out there who will love me for me–I don’t have to be ashamed of who I am or feel like I can’t be myself. I can be confident.
-I don’t have to be “content in my singleness” by I can be content in the Lord in all my circumstances in life.
-I can appreciate the people I get to love on and meet and build relationships with as a single woman.
-I can be a blessing to others with my time and talents and skill as a single woman who has a more flexible schedule.
-I can rest in the Lord knowing he is sovereign and he is good and he meets all my needs…even if that is providing close friends.
-I will have days of doubt or frustration about my singleness and that is OK, as long as I’m submitting it to the Lord at the end of the day.
-I don’t have to settle and I don’t have to give in.
I hope these truths can be an encouragement to others. If you are struggling or go through a season of frustration or even feel depressed at times about still being single…I encourage you, man or woman, to continue to press into God. See contentment in HIM and know that He is good and sovereign and has a reason for everything he does. He doesn’t owe us a spouse because we want one. He’s already given us everything in his Son, Jesus which is more than we could ever even ask for!