Last night I spent the evening with an old roommate of mine. She and her husband just moved into their first house and celebrated their first wedding anniversary. I’m so excited for her and as we chatted I admitted to her that it all seemed surreal to me. This time two years ago we were in the same exact season of life: two single girls working and living in a two bedroom garden apartment together, both desiring to serve the Lord and waiting for Him to move in our lives. Fast forward to last night to us being in very different seasons and I found myself sharing with her many of my recent struggles (of which you can read in my more recent blog posts). Some of those struggles have been just feeling stuck.
The last 5 years have been nothing but constant change and transition for me: jobs, roommates, apartments, friends, ministries, bible studies, and now a new church. Friends who were single when I met them are now married, some with babies, some on kid #2. You would think with all that change going on, the last thing I would feel is stuck but nevertheless, I do.
I’m an extremely self-aware person…to a fault at times. That being said I have a tendency of putting expectations on things; on situations, on people, on myself. Funny enough though, I don’t put enough on God. How many times in scripture do we see writers telling us to wait expectantly on God? I’m so quick to expectations on what I want to see happen or what I think others should do, but I fail at expecting great things from God. I get caught up in what I want and the desires of my heart that I don’t seek God’s desires and wants for me.
This morning I had a planning meeting for a women’s event at my church that I’ll be speaking at. Then I headed to a quaint little coffee shop for some journaling and time with the Lord. He’s teaching me to let go; let go of my expectations for my life and ask him what HE wants for me. I don’t lack goals or ambition but I want to do what God would have me do. Thing is, my heart wants that but my flesh stays anxious and unyielding in letting go of my selfish expectations. God will put me somewhere and instead of having open hands and an open heart to what he wants to accomplish, I get ideas, I cling to them, and then freak out when things don’t go my way.
I pray that today, this week, this month is a change for my heart. I pray that me asking God what he wants for me would become more a way of life than a seasonal thing I have to repeatedly remind myself of. My question to God today…What would you have me do? Ask, Seek, Knock and you shall receive. God’s answer: BE STILL… GET QUIET… FOCUS… RELEASE… PEACE… OPEN HANDS… HUMILITY… KEEP GOING… LOVE.WELL… BELIEVE… REST… DON’T EXPECT(people).WAIT ON JESUS… TRUST… WORSHIP… PRAY…
If my desire is to serve God then I have to be willing for Him to use me in ways I wouldn’t expect and stop holding onto what I think is best. Humility and servant hood requires more than saying here I am. It requires saying here I am and having a heart that beats, “Use me in whatever way is best and how you will, God.” So often I feel like I’m running around being Martha, outwardly serving and wanting to meet people’s needs but I am blinded from being Mary. I want to be more like Mary…ideally a balance of both, but right now…Mary. I want my focus to be Jesus’ heart and experience the only true fulfillment he can bring. I want to cast off my anxieties and expectations and let him drive. I want to let it go, let it all go and experience the freedom his name has. I want to stop freaking out about the future and all the things I’ll lose, and instead embrace the things God has for me now! I am so thankful that despite my overthinking, emotional self God still chooses to love me and use me in the lives of others. What amazing grace He has given us!