There’s so many things on my mind right now to share. God’s been stirring in my heart and mind lately in several different areas of my life right now. The main glaring and staring areas being my identity and my relationship status. Last weekend I did business with God and simply poured out my heart to him. I got honest with him and with myself. It’s so easy as a Christian woman to “know” what I’m supposed to know and when my feelings contradict that I get hard with myself and don’t allow real healing/growing to happen. After I was able to just be human and be honest, Jesus began ministering to my soul.
Today I felt compelled to share some excerpts from my journal prayers to God with hopes that others might be encouraged,1- that I may not be alone in having “human moments” and 2- that God is Wisdom and he lovingly reminds us of his truth!
God you are good. I know that.You are always with me. You love me. You love me. I am loved by you. I don’t feel loved by you. How’s that for honest? My head know I am. History shows me I am. But–I have felt disconnected from you. I have been anxious and doubtful the last 6 months. I have felt so lonely.
I know that I’m tying my identity to what people/guys think of me and if I’m deemed worthy. You may have me single for a lot longer still and I know I need to break those thoughts. Being a single woman who: is still pure-isn’t married-hasn’t had a committed relationship for 8 years-doesn’t have kids-doesn’t have much extended family (at least not that’s close)- isn’t in a financial place to live alone- doesn’t have a new or nice car…. These are all things that both the secular and Christian world deem necessary to be a success, to be a “real” adult, to be a “real” woman. Help my soul to grasp onto and hold tightly to the truth that I don’t need any of these things to be a real adult or a woman.
I’m having an identity crisis God! That’s what’s happening. I’m feeling inferior. I have believed the lies of the enemy who is telling me who I am or who I’m not because of all the things I don’t have. Instead, God I should be focusing on what I do have and even more of who YOU say I am.
I have friends who love me unconditionally. I have a family who has taught me a more loyal and deeper love than I have ever know before now. I have a job that pays my bills and meets my needs. I am your daughter. I am being pursued by you Abba. You have given me gifts and talents. You have given me people to love on, to serve. You have given me grace. You have given me my life– my salvation! Help me to cling to the truth of who I am. Who you say I am. God- I pray the helmet of salvation. Protect my mind and thoughts. Remind me who I am.
I’m still frustrated with being single. I’m tired. Tired of there being this huge hole that has given the enemy a way in with his lies. I don’t want to get cynical or angry or depressed. I don’t want to be fearful that I may continue to be single. And to continue down the path of mourning the reality of staying single- it weighs on my heart.
Even now though, the song Good, Good Father is playing. You are perfect in all your ways to me! You have brought the word Obedience to me for several things lately. I feel like I’m in a season of obedience. It’s so hard. I feel so separated from you-and yet. I desire to please you and so I will obey. I will continue to wait. I will continue to serve you. I will fight against the lies of the enemies.
I am covered by your cross, Jesus. And I know that marriage doesn’t change a lot of my heart’s concerns. I can and may still feel lonely, not enough, unattractive…I will still fall prey to the enemies attacks. I know married life isn’t perfect. I won’t fix things. It’s easy to romanticize and only think on the good things.
Help me to live in the now God! I know know the plans you have for me. If you do keep me single, you will reward me in my ministry. You will love me through the relationships in my life. You are good. Holy Spirit, open the eyes of my heart to see and believe that always. God is a good, good father. I need you as my father right now. I need you leading my life. Tell me and show me my beauty and worth. Encourage my soul. Tare care of me like only you can! I’m being still- I want to know more of who you are. I want to be your loving and obedient child.
God is good. He tells us who we are. He has the perfect plan for our lives. He is our perfect companion. It’s easy to look at what we don’t have and what the world tells us we should have and let that drive us. It shouldn’t, speaking as someone who is clearly going through this season. And I’m sure it’ll only be a matter of time before I’m re-learning this lesson because that what we do. But whether you’re single as I am or you’re married and yearning for the next stage in your life, God is our good father. He loves to lavish his children. There’s another song by Bethel music that has spoken to me over these months, “It is Well with My Soul”. It IT is well. I’ve been telling a good friend of mine over the last few months during her own trials, God doesn’t always give us what we want, but he always gives us what we need. Even in the waiting, pain, trials, frustrations, whatever…he still blesses us. When we are obedient and faithful and sit at his feel, he is faithful in return.
Oh how he loves! Oh how blessed are we!