It’s 3:32 in the morning and I can’t sleep. My mind is alive. So many new things this week, today. Why do we care so much what people think? Why? For the first time in my life I’m the new girl. I’m the new girl in a non-professional setting and I have to say it’s intimidating as all get out. Why is it so hard to simply be myself? Because I want everyone to like me. I want people to know me, the real me. I want people to know me the way I am around my closest friends…when I’m comfortable. But it doesn’t happen that way does it? Maybe it does. But if working with teenagers for so long has taught me anything is that we don’t let people in until we trust them and sometimes that trust takes time.
I’m a thinker and an analyzer who talks too much. That means that being the new girl, I’m constantly second guessing everything that comes out of my mouth. Did I talk too much? Probably. Was I too open? Too vulnerable? I over-shared again. Why did I tell that story? Am I talking about myself? Why am I stumbling over my words so much? I’m a confident person, why don’t I feel like it? Why can’t I seem to relax? It’s not in me to not be real, not be myself. But I’ve always been the one welcoming the new people. I haven’t had to be the one to fit in. To be liked…which for a natural people pleaser is incredibly difficult, I must say!
God takes us on these journeys in our lives for seasons and for purposes. We can trust him. We can just relax…yet apparently I don’t. As I’m writing this, I realize it’s incredibly honest and some of the people I’m new to might even see this but I also know I’m not the only/first one to be in this situation. The new girl. It’s just new to me and I’m trying to figure it out. But I also know that God challenged me several years ago and also at the start of this blog to be honest…vulnerable. More than I already am just by nature.
I have a tendency to talk too much as it is, one of my greatest insecurities. I am finding out that when I’m nervous, I talk even more! Ohhhh no. This is a bit of stream or conscience writing but…
I wrote a post only days ago that spoke to my fear and inadequacy in regards to writing. I guess the truth is I’m afraid of a lot more than I thought. At 26, I’m afraid of not being taken seriously. Of being looked at as the young kid with no life experience. I’m afraid that I’ve given a bad first impression. I’m afraid of what God is doing in my life. I’m afraid of what he won’t do in my life. I’m afraid of what else he might ask me to let go of, to sacrifice. I’m afraid of rejection, lack of acceptance. I’m afraid to be myself– but also trying to be myself which ends up in me over-compensating. I’m afraid of this change. I’m afraid of moving on without people I love. Even more, I’m afraid of the people I love moving on without me.
The biggest take away I feel I’m facing with being the new girl…is that I’m afraid of who I am. The people who know me best, know me best. They see the big picture. But being new, they only see bits and pieces so things I’m sensitive about or insecure about are just out there on their own, exposed. It’s like a painting. You can have a picture of a log cabin. If it’s set against the backdrop of a beautiful landscape, everything blends together; compliments each other. One might not notice the flaws or the imperfections because you look at the picture as a whole. But if it is painted by itself on a blank canvas with no backdrop, all you have is the log cabin to look at. You see every flaw, every imperfection. Imperfection. That’s what we people pleasers fear the most don’t we? That we are imperfect and everyone sees it. How terrifying…even when we know perfectly well that no one is perfect and are the first ones to embrace other despite their imperfections.
Most time people just look back and admire the paintings of life; only the handful of critics tear apart a piece of art for it’s flaws. Most just look back and admire it. Some pass right by. Some stop and appreciate it but then move on. Others find that painting as their favorite. Just like we do with people, right?
I know fears are irrational most of the time. I know I have no reason to fear, especially amongst brothers and sisters in Christ. But human nature is so difficult to overcome isn’t it? Boy am I glad that Jesus is my rock, my Identity, my Friend; that he overcame human nature. He’s really the only approval I need. Why is it so hard to remember that? Why is it so hard…. a question that has echoed through the centuries.
Well maybe there was a nugget of something in this one, but mostly I just needed to write out my thoughts. And maybe exercise some bravery in being honest about my fears. I know I’m not the only one. And this season will pass. New will finally get worn in.
Words my mom spoke to me almost 10 years ago that I still cling to this day. God made me to be exactly who I was meant to be, quirks and all. I need to embrace those things, but also harness them. For people pleasers that can be the hardest thing in the world. I can embrace my quirks but what if others around me don’t? It’s amazing the web of lies and fear the Enemy tries to spin in this head. There’s no off button sometimes. But God is good, and loving. And the truth is that he loves us through people. So while I’m busy being the new girl and freaking out about it, those in my life, new and old, go on loving me. And not always because of who I am, but in spite of who I am. Sounds like an example of someone else’s love I know!