I’ve been told when writing, that a dramatic title pulls people in to read what you have to say. So…there’s a title. Well, I realize that it has been 9 months or so since I’ve posted anything. There are several reasons for that, ones that will be explained in future posts I’m sure. BUT, today… I wanted to write about something that I’ve been struggling with for several months now. Sticking with my MO, this post is going to be very personal and honest, but I believe it’s something that many young women in my position struggle with, so here it goes.
This past winter I had allowed myself to become overly stressed with changes and many different factors of life. Because of that I had a couple of panic attacks of which almost sent me to this hospital. All of this put me in a place where I wasn’t spending time with God and became too busy to be in the gym. For me, both of these things were hard for different reasons. Being away from the gym combined with stress and diet of stress, caused me to gain weight. So currently, I am at my heaviest…not horrible but still not what I want. I got back to the gym last April after a 3 month hiatus, but I haven’t really lost much of what I gained. Since I was also away from the truth of God’s word I was also extremely vulnerable and gullible to the enemies lies, especially the ones about me. So there’s your short background for where I’m at now.
As I spent more and more time in the gym with not the results I wanted, I became more critical of myself…of my body. For some this isn’t a big deal, but I am going to do what centuries of women have labelled taboo and say… I am 6’1″ and weight 220 lbs (*gasp*). I’ve always felt…bigger than the other girls because I was taller and more mature in my physique. But looking at myself in the mirror, surrounded by these fit men at the gym, and going through the Facebook-photo-book of what once was I was disgusted with what I saw. Again, not horrible, but we are our own worst critic. “What man is going to want this body?” “Personality and heart don’t matter if I don’t have an attractive exterior.”
I know these things to be lies…but, being away from the vine (John 15) I wasn’t being fed the truth of where my identity, value, beauty, and worth truly come from, Jesus. Now, all that being said I’ll continue and bring in the title of this post. I’m 26. That’s young to some but I’ve lived and experienced a lot in my “short” life. I grew up fast. I matured fast. So I’ve been ready to settle down for a while now. Candidly, I’m also a virgin as pure as the word means. I have also been to approximately 25 weddings in the last 4-5 yrs. My biological clock is ticking…pretty loud. I’ve experienced God’s protection and grace in the area of lust as it has been pretty much a non-issue for me. But that doesn’t quench the natural desires that God has given. So… that being said, a couple days ago I was journaling a prayer to God about all of this. And as God often does, at least lately, he said…post it. Obedience, not my favorite thing right now. But word for word…this was my prayer and through it, God’s answers of truth to ALL of this…
5 Aug 2015
My head and heart have been so distracted lately. I’ve been so distracted with my singleness and these guys at the gym. My head knows that you are in full control of me –and my life. I know that my life is not incomplete without “someone” and that I have something special to be able to minister to these high school girls with. I know you have given me a purpose in my singleness. But my heart (and flesh) desires to be married. Even in this moment–all I want to do is be with you alone to talk this out with you!
I struggle with wanting to feel attractive. I struggle with the desires to be wanted and loved by a man. I desire for physical intimacy…a lot!! I mean a lot, a lot! I know one day that will be fulfilled–but this waiting season is growing harder and harder for me.
Lord-Paul talks about the fact that if we cannot control our passions, then we need to get married…but I can’t do that because that’s out of my control. Help me God. Help to sustain me in these desires. The Bible speaks so much of patience and this waiting sometimes gets so difficult.
By the same token, I also know that you have more to show me about what it means to be a woman of God–and to be me. I’m not delicate. I’m not dainty. I’m not a bull, but I’m not a flower either and there aren’t many “role model speakers” like me–which makes me often feel that I have to be someone/something I’m not. It also puts insecurities in my mind/heart that I’m not attractive (all around) because I don’t fit the mold–in physique and in personality.
I want to be used for your ministry, for your purpose, and for you to use what you’re teaching me to teach others. Help me Abba–in a way that only you can!
And I pray that you would romance me–romance my heart and bring me into a satisfying, fulfilling, and truly intimate relationship with you Lord!
Truth- God designed sex for a husband and a wife (there’s a whole post for that) and I have been waiting for that. I’m thankful, extremely. And…it breaks my heart that I’m a minority in that right now. But the physical intimacy that I crave with my future husband can be satisfied by the spiritual intimacy with God (and no, I’m not “dating Jesus”). It’s a truth that I’ve known, but I needed reminded of.
The second thing, I watched a sermon series by Matt Chandler called The Beautiful Design (highly recommend it) and God used it to solidify several truths, but primarily that bodies aren’t sexy…Godliness is sexy. I had lost sight of that. The thing I have ALWAYS found most attractive in men, aside from a nice smile and laugh has been their character and their walk with God. I had lost sight that the same was true of me. Proverbs 31 is so often overused that we just glaze over it but beauty is fleeting and vain. Life happens and the exterior can change. But the heart and soul…can sustain.
Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. -Proverbs 31:30
So, back on track. I’m still in the gym with goals to get back to where I was before. To be healthy. I still love to lift. I still have nights and moments where my singleness is hard. But how I see myself should be reflective of how God sees me. He is who my identity, my worth, and who my beauty is in. And honestly, if a man only wanted me for my body anyways (which is ALL too prevalent in our world today, superficial “relationships”) I’d probably kick him and run away. Seriously though, who wants that? Not this girl. Physical attractiveness, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a factor at all. But it’s not the #1 factor, not even close.
This post may have been a little all over the place. I think I tried to cram like three different topics into one but who cares. Maybe I’ll elaborate later. My Godliness is my sexiness. My sex life as it were is my spiritual intimacy with God. And God is in control of my singleness as he will be of my married life…all in his timing. For now, I get to know my Creator, Lover, Provider, Father, Protector, Counselor, and Friend more intimately than I know anyone and more intimately than they know me. That’s something…worth being in the now for!